Ivy and Paco

When I told my friend AJ I was looking for places to live on Craigslist, he laughed. Out loud. At me. "Good luck with that!"

Phone call from Bruce (a potential roommate)-
Me: Hey Bruce my phone's about to die, could you just email me the details of the apartment and we can set up an appointment from there?
Bruce: Oooh well.. (He was an extremely slow talker, and extremely slow talkers are definitely on my "don't trust" list) well, I don't know about all that typing, you know what I mean? Its easier for me to speak 300 words a minute than it is for me to type 300 words a minute.
Aka see ya later Bruce.

Phone call from Jane (a potential roommate)-
Jane: Heyyyyy Haley how are you!?
Me: Good and yourself?
Jane: I. Am. Great! You know I'm just trying to get my cleaning business started. A little about me- I'm divorced, but whatever, I have 2 kids. My 15 year old lives with his dad, but whatever, he'll come back to me I'm not worried about it. And my 7 year old lives with me. You know, I'm a "cool mom" and my kid is like super well behaved so it's whatever you know!? My last roommate was a 22 year old girl too so you will be perfect!
Me: Yeah, I am not so much kid friendly, thanks though.

Thursday I travel down to Indy to begin my search. Appointments 1, 2, and 3 all sounded a little something like this. "Now we do listen to music sometimes, but never loud enough that you will hear it. I mean sometimes if I have just had a rough day I will pump it up (if no one is home of course) but as soon as you get home I would obviously turn it down. We basically keep to ourselves in our rooms for the most part." Essentially extremely quiet, non partiers, who refer to themselves as "snow angel" and live out in the middle of no where.

Appointment number 4 was with two 2005 IU grads, which in the literal sense would make them ~27 years old. But in actual life they might have just turned 21. There were beer cans everywhere, an entire room in the basement dedicated to beer pong, and a huge poster of some naked chick in the laundry room. These boys were my best bet. But I had two more appointments scheduled for Friday so there was still some hope.

Friday morning I meet Brae (gender ambiguous) which turns out to be a dude. Shorter than me and twice my width, he works at Fedex and Marco's pizza. Turns out he is looking for a place too! So we go to an apartment complex near Broad Ripple and look at places together. What a disaster.

Final appointment, number 6. Downtown in the ghetto. Turns out the guy has a cat that he FORGOT to mention in his posting. He says, "Oh yeah, I just updated that, sorry I forgot to tell you." Me: "Yeah the cat is a deal breaker." Him: "Well if the cat isn't a deal breaker usually the backyard is." I look in the backyard, and what to my wondering eyes should appear? But 6 freaking CHICKENS and 2 stupid GOATS! Me: "hahahahahha did you grow up on a farm??" Him: "Oh no, just south of Broad Ripple." Me: giving him an "ok weirdo, then why the hell do you have chickens and goats in your backyard!?" Him: "the chickens were easy, just build a coop and collect their eggs. The goats, now that, (saying as if he is extremely impressed with himself, as if owning goats is some kind of life long accomplishment) that, took a couple months of research to figure out to milk them. But yeah, I've had Ivy and Paco for about 2 1/2 years now." Me: "Well sir, it's been a real pleasure. I need to tear my hair out now."

Up In The Air

Back from NY and in the Midwest again. Labor Day weekend in Syracuse was a spectacle to say the least. It began with beer, was filled with Cyprus Gardens spraying a boat full of youngins because she wanted to "fuck with them a little bit", proceeded by throwing both myself and brother off the jetski, both of us laughing hysterically while trying to climb back on (thank god for that whole "key attached to the lifevest maneuver"), and finally ended with an epic event known as the "corn off". I'm tempted to go so far as to write "known as the 'corn off 2010'" because it was truly that epic of an event that it needs to and should be reenacted once a year. Congratulations Chris Larbes and Mr. Showalter for holding down the Midwesterner stereotype to the nth degree.

I begin my first steps of real life in a beautiful city known as Bentonville, Arkansas. Bentonville, as I'm sure you all know, is the home of both Sam's Club and Walmart corporate headquarters. A magical place chalk full of toothless wonders and Nascar enthusiasts. The Hilton Garden Inn: a place where my boss, Jim, is essentially considered an A list celebrity.

He is greeted by first name not only by Rose and Eric (the front desk people), but also Dawn (the bartender), and Penny (the cook). Jim has equipped the bar/lounge with a Nintendo Wii Rock Band for personal and public entertainment and financed an additional freezer and refrigerator in the kitchen to accommodate shipments of pastry samples he sends to the hotel, WHICH he pays Penny (the cook) $50 for every shipment she unloads. Wow.

This man is my new boss. And pastry sales is my new calling. Penny asks (in a southern accent), "how's your little worker girl here so skinny workin for you Jim!? I gained 25 pounds when you started comin here with all those pastries you give us.". Jim: "Today's her first day!" Penny: "Oh you wait girl, first month and you will be puttin on ten pounds easy." Me: "can't wait!" (Awkward laugh) And Penny may be right, because I've never tasted so many pies, cookies, cakes, streusel-y morsals, and cream filled shenanigans in my life!

In true business woman fashion, I had 18 minutes upon arrival at the North West Arkansas airport to get through security and to my gate. I handed the appropriate documents to the woman standing at the infamous airport podium and as she's matching up the name on my license to the one on my boarding pass, I have a mini panic attack as I look at the 15 men dressed in suits currently waiting in the security line before me. "Podium lady, (I didn't actually call her that) is there anything you can do? My flight leaves in approx 14 minutes!" Podium lady (in southern accent): "there's nothin I can do sweetheart but if you want to ask each and every one of these gentlemen to let you skip in front of them, be my guest." Very southern sounding man behind me says: "darlin, I know for a fact every single one of these men will let your pretty self ahead of them, if it were me, I'd be waitin at the back of the line, but for you little lady, no problem." I proceed to ask/announce my plane's impending departure, and sure enough, I am at my gate just in time to hear, "last call for passenger Haley Marsh, last call" "that's me I said!"

And back to Indiana I flew.

I forsee the next 6 months of my life similar to the character George Clooney plays in "Up in the Air" and keeping with this comparison I will be providing you with knowlegeable tidbits and interesting insights regarding the airport industry.

Insight #1: Who else besides flight attendants pre take off uses any form of the word "stow"? Ex: please stow all personal baggage and electronic devices in the seat back in front of you.