RIP Killah Cam

Friday night started off with the classiest of intentions. Friend asks me, “Hey Haley, Mass Ave has this thing the first Friday of every month where they open up all the galleries and you tour all the new exhibitions.” Perfect, right up my alley. Get over to his place, start beveraging, then realize around 8 o’clock that the Mass Ave Gallery Walk was actually 5-7:00pm and we may or may not have just drank through that culture blast. Reaction: “there’s always December” and grab another beer. Around midnight we head to a bar downtown. Circa 2:30am sufficiently inebriated, I notice my guy friends debating whether or not “blonde chick with huge fake boobs” does in fact have fake boobs. No need to debate, detective Haley will solve this mystery. Go up to “blonde chick with huge fake boobs” and say sommmething along the lines of, “Excuse me, you look great (always important to throw in a compliment there before you ask an extremely inappropriate question) but I was wondering, are your boobs real?”

“blonde chick with huge fake boobs”: Girl, YES! My boobs used to be YOUR size! No offense!

None taken. She proceeds to grab my hand, shove it down her shirt, and tell me to squeeze her boobs. Which I obviously did, and not that I have a lot of experience in the boob grabbing department, but they felt nice. Needless to say, all intentions of having a classy evening were tossed out the window at this point. If it hasn’t become apparent to my 13 followers at this point, I was in no shape to drive home at this point, so I did some couch surfing downtown.

Saturday morning: still wearing party dress, heals, tights, and leather jacket, still wearing last nights eye makeup somewhere on my face, and my head feels as if it may or may not crack in half. Time to find out how to get home immediately, put on sweat pants, and make a jacks pizza, while cuddling with blankee. This dream is only a short 20 minutes from becoming a reality...OR so I thought. While touching base with Gel (Magellen my GPS) to figure out my next move in life, I look up just in time to see Killah Cam slamming into the car in front of me. Great. Killah’s beautiful two toned front is completely smashed up, all participants in the story remain uninjured with no air bag deployment. The cop on the scene was very nice and let me sit in his car while I watched Killah being towed off into the distance.

My cab driver, Nate, provided some comical relief to the evening as he complained to one of his friends on the phone about the marathon that was going on at the time. “Man I don’t know what the hell is going on, buncha crazy people, aint got nothing to do, runnin around, blockin up the roads. People gotta go to work man! Crazy people.” I of course, egg him on and agree with everything he says. Nate got a good tip for the entertainment he was unaware of providing.

Scott and Jill, in good parenting fashion, ditched their Saturday afternoon home reconstruction projects, drove down, and saved the day. Thank you team, I love you!

RIP Killah Cam
Feb 2003-Nov 2010

Bump That Beat

In an attempt to compensate for my 2-3 days a week binge drinking sessions, I became a proud member of LA Fitness and started spinning classes. And I think it is extremely important I take the time to outline the sort characters they have teaching these classes. In two weeks I’ve experienced 4 different instructors.

1. “Let Me Ride That Donkey Donkey” My first spinning class not knowing what to expect, 30ish year old woman, with a great musical selection (which I’ve come to realize is half the battle in a successful spin class). All of a sudden she pulls the “hover” move right in the middle of 69 boys – Let Me Ride That Donkey Donkey. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CsHXl7Jc9HI ) The “hover” move requires you to stick your ass out while essentially freezing the rest of your body. Now picture 30 people of varying age ranges and varying degrees of spandex clothing doing this....I almost lost it.

2. “Ex-Marine Teenage Dreams” Yes, I do realize those two descriptions don’t typically go hand in hand, but in spinning class anything goes. Early 50s year old man, clean cut ex-marine appearance and attitude, usually starts off his class by asking the usuals if they have attended any marathons lately. The joy of Ex-Marine also comes from an eclectic musical assortment: in his class we “PUSH IT PEOPLE COME ON!” to Avril Lavigne-Sk8er Boy, Katy Perry-Teenage Dreams, Rihanna-Love the Way You Lie, and to top it all off, as a cool down song: Celine Dion-My Heart Will Go On. I had to exit the class without being properly warmed down to prevent peeing my pants.

3. “The Sneak Attack” Late 20’s, totally cute, likeable chick...until you realize her one goal in that hour is to make you feel pain. “How do you think the Kardashians got skinny people? Vomitting and SPINNING class...seriously, just kidding, but seriously.” “DON’T DISAPPOINT YOURSELF, you came here for a reason today!” “80% in the saddle...guess how much longer you have of this version of hell!? 4 MINUTES, PUSH IT!” Obviously, she is by far my favorite. Her classes are 100% packed with the highest percentage of the hard core demographic: they bring their own spinning shoes to class and snap in, wear spandex everything, and make about 1 million adjustments to their bikes before class. I’m not there YET, but give me a month.

4. Last but not least, we have “The Bro” late 30s, completely jacked, fake tan approaching Jersey Shore level, man jewelry, and a love for techno music. If you have ever seen Dodgeball with Ben Stiller (picture at top), you pretty much have this guy nailed down. He says things like “Alright bump that beat, bump that beat” And looooves to dramatically smack his rock hard abs while telling us to “engage your core and really feel that resistance here” The first class with The Bro was funny, the second class was Friday evening as I was sweating out whiskey from the previous night and I found him to be slightly less entertaining.

This week is a whole new week of spinning extravaganza, so be on the look out!

NY Weekend

Much to my grandfather’s disappointment I’m still very much in love with New York City. After a cool 7 hour drive into the city (only getting lost 8,000 times) I arrived at Erin’s apartment, UES (Upper East Side) style Thursday night. Friday morning Erin and I went to “work,” hers happened to be in an office off of 5th Avenue, and mine consisted of profiling various grocery stores and bakeries throughout the Manhattan area. Typically photographing a grocery store’s bakery display case while taking note of each product’s pricing, sizing, and packaging is frowned upon. However, a cover up story along the lines of “oh I’m sorry I didn’t know I couldn’t do that. I’m a Marketing student at NYU, working on a core project for school. We are developing our own bakery and need to do some market research.” A gentlemen waiting in line to buy cupcakes says, “That is so interesting! My good friend owns a bakery up in the Hamptons. I would really like to see your business plan when you are finished. Here is my business card with my personal email on the back.” Me: “Sure thing Barry, I’ll be in touch.” Smile, and exit while giggling inside.

After the store profiling I had a couple hours to kill before Erin got off work so I (naturally) got a manicure ($12), free facial (Facebook coupon), walked around the Madison Square Park street fair, and had some self-reflection/afternoon espresso time at a café while checking out the people walking by on the street. Friday night Erin, her bf (Jeff), and I went to an improv comedy show in the Flatiron District. You know when you are watching a TV show, something terribly awkward happens in the show, and as a result YOU feel terribly awkward. Yeah, that happened Friday night. Part of the comedian’s skit involved bringing people up to the stage and interrogating them while drawing their portrait. Kelly (cute sophomore at NYU) comes up to the stage.

Comedian: Kelly, who did you come here with tonight?
Kelly: One of my really good friends, Gary. (points to her Gary sitting in the front row)
Comedian: “Good Friend” hu? Do you think HE feels the same way? (comedian directs attention to Gary) Gary how do you feel about Kelly.
Gary: (awkwardness begins) Well, I do think she’s really cute.
Comedian & Crowd: oooooooooooooooooohhhhh! Cheering and laughter.
Comedian: Now Kelly, what do you think about that?
Reeally awkward pause. Kelly whispers something in the comedian’s ear.
Comedian: Kelly says, she does NOT feel the same way....Sorrrry Gary. Wow that’s awkard, good luck with the rest of the night.
Crowd erupts in awkard laughter. Erin, Jeff, and I were almost in tears.

Saturday afternoon we went to my heaven: the Museum of Modern Art. The new AbEx (Abstract Exhibition) exhibition was absolutely beautiful. Had burgers and beer at a rooftop by Penn Station while the sun was setting, then prepared our party pants. Raged. Some of us (who will remain anonymous) raged a little too hard. Woke up 50% hungover 50% drunk circa 8:00am, shoved my life into my carry on and took a cab to LGA. Slept the entire flight, barely made it home alive, made a Jacks pizza, and slept some more.

In conclusion, a PERFECT weekend!

Never Self Incriminate

"Unbelievable!" Is the first text I receive this morning from none other than Scott Marsh. This exclamation was of course in response to my text "my carry on was too big, I had to check it :(" As if the texting weren't enough I receive a call two minutes later, I answer "are you calling to make fun of me?" Scotter "Yes! Are you kidding me Haley?" I explain my logic: a) I'm going to be doing business woman things for two days then fabulous New York City things for two days so I'm obviously requiring a lot of artillery b) its fall so naturally my clothes are bigger and heavier than they are in the summer months and c) my layover's in Detroit so I'm thinking its going to be a small plane, a "puddle jumper" as Scotter says. Therefore, before I board, I go up to the Delta associates and say "my carry on is a liiiittle large, can you just throw it underneath the plane?" Delta woman smiles with a smug look on her face and says, "oh ya, much too big, aaaannnd we are going to have to charge you." Lesson of the day: never self incriminate (compliments of my father)

The best part about the story was that my plane turns out to be anything but a puddle jumper, with sufficient room for my over sized carry on. And that's my story of a $25 fine for self incrimination.

Positive Slope

I survived, hardly. And the hardly part comes from the consumption of alcohol more so than animal dandrif. Thursday Aaron (my boss's 25 year old nephew and fellow co worker) and I drove up to Chicago from Indy. Gel (the nickname I have given my Magellen GPS) provided us with a slight detour off of Cline Ave which deterred our arrival about 40 mins, but that's another story entirely.

We arrive at the convention center and I finally meet Tom (my Preppy Puppy boss so to speak) for the first time. We set up the show, which in my head took an hour max, but in actuality took a grand total of 3 1/2 hrs. Who knew my first job out of the Kelley School of Business would involve unwrapping and placing hundreds of dog cookies, cakes, and canolis onto decorative pink and green platters? Thursday night we feasted: booze, steak, and more booze. After dinner I was exhausted. We parted ways with "the tank" which is the nickname I attributed to Tom after witnessing his unbelievable consumption of the aforementioned feast. I was ready to call it quits for the night but I succumbed to Aaron's peer pressuring and was forced to drink somewhere in the ballpark of 4 more beers.
Friday was the first official day of the 44th Annual Pet Industry Christmas Trade Show! The morning was a great example of the affects of alcohol on the body, demonstrated by the graph above. Lesson: the length of time spent out of college (x axis) positively correllates to the severity of one's hangover (y axis). Aka Aaron did not make it down to breakfast, Haley had time to read the paper while enjoying an omlet, seasoned potatoe cubes, fruit, and a coffee. Jim and Sharra (a 5'9" blonde haired beauty who was formerly engaged to a Colt's player, and will now serve as Preppy Puppy's Midwest sales representative) arrived around 3pm. We hustled some dog treats til 6pm when the show closed then headed to the bar for round 2. We met up with the ladies at Barkin Bitches Boutique for pizza and beer at the hotel. Around 9:30 Devin picked me up, but was forced to undergo a semi interrogation second only to the questioning sessions performed by Jeff Guy before he was able to escort me off the premises. Very entertaining.

Saturday afternoon I was befriended by a sales representative from a dog food company called Evangers. Dana was a portly southern gentleman born for the sales world. "Hello sweetheart, how are you doing today? Great lookin product here" (picks up a barbeque flavored bulk bone treat and puts it in his mouth) "hmmm, not bad, what is this, barbeque?" Me (laughing): yes! Dana, is eating dog treats a normal part of your life? Dana: can't sell the water without swimmin in it.

I would like to express how fully my mind was blown by the array of, for lack of a better word, shit people buy and sell for dogs! Nail polish, earings, spa packages, sworski crystal collars, strollers, and the outfits...don't even get me started on the outfits. Dana taught me a valuable lesson over those three days: whatever you can buy your child, you can buy your dog.

Around 4 o clock I was contemplating suicide. If I heard one more person walk by our booth and say, "awww look at those canolis, don't they just look good enough to eat!!?" I was gonna punch somebody. Dana stops by and says: Cmon darlin we're gonna go take a shot of tequila." Me: what!?

Digpets a couple booths down consisted of a table, two bar stools, mini cups full of almonds or chaser depending on your perspective, and a bottle of tequila. I had no idea what they were selling or how it related to the pet industry in anyway, but I wasn't mad at it. That situation happened one or two more times that afternoon and before I knew it, it was time to pack up!

Sunday morning my body was ready to shut down. After 3 hours of selling, 3 hours of tearing down/packing up, and 3 hours of driving I arrived home to an empty room in an empty house, and it felt great!

I can now officially say: I surived my first trade show!

Couch Surfing

So I am officially 20% moved in to Indianapolis. I've had a slight delay with x FBI and our living arrangements, so keep your fingers crossed and if all goes well I should officially have a place to call home by Thursday. In the mean time I've become the queen of couch surfing. Tuesday, Wednesday: Rachel's (friend from college) house. Thursday, Friday, Saturday: 3 different couches in a quaint neighborhood called Broad Ripple Apartments aka walking distance from the bars :)

I haven't quite gotten into the swing of things with my job yet, as each day has been completely different. Wednesday I spent the morning with the ex newbie of the company, Aaron. We went to a Sam's Club, Walmart, and Marsh and showed me the products we sell to them. Thursday I spent the day with my boss, Jim, and a new potential client (sales rep named: Rick). As you may understand by now, I think southern accents are hilarious and it is extremely difficult to take them seriously, and Rick took the southern accent to a whole new level with phrases like: "that boy is as good as the day is long" or "now you don't want to go grabbin a tiger by the tail" or "now that fellow sure was a crook back in his day" Kept me entertained all day. After a day of Rick, Rachel and I decided to celebrate. The next day, I had a 9:30 am conference call for Preppy Puppy with my boss in Miami to discuss website renovation. It wasn't my most graceful morning but it does lead me to job perk #1: the conference call in my bed at Rachel's in my pajamas with blankee. Can't be mad at that.

But no good deed goes unpunished as they say. This coming Thursday, Friday, Saturday, AND Sunday I will be attending the 44th annual HH Backers Pet Industry Christmas Trade Show and Educational Conference in Chicago. Some people might respond: oh, a trade show, that could be fun. But people that know me, and know I'm allergic to any and all animals with fur, just laugh. At the show there will be a Grooming Competition as well as a Best Dressed Dog Competition. Basically my head is going to explode snot all over the beautifully groomed dogs. I go to Walgreens and explain my situation and ask, "so what do you recommend I do?" The pharmacist just looked at me and said, "Don't go." Me: "But I have to go." Him: "Then you should start taking Zyrtek. And if that doesn't work then take Benadryl, but that will make you sleepy." Great. I'm going to have snot running down my nose, jacked up on coffee to fight off the Benadryl drowsiness, while trying to pretend I'm an animal lover so my boss doesn't think I'm insane.

Should be an interesting weekend.

Ivy and Paco

When I told my friend AJ I was looking for places to live on Craigslist, he laughed. Out loud. At me. "Good luck with that!"

Phone call from Bruce (a potential roommate)-
Me: Hey Bruce my phone's about to die, could you just email me the details of the apartment and we can set up an appointment from there?
Bruce: Oooh well.. (He was an extremely slow talker, and extremely slow talkers are definitely on my "don't trust" list) well, I don't know about all that typing, you know what I mean? Its easier for me to speak 300 words a minute than it is for me to type 300 words a minute.
Aka see ya later Bruce.

Phone call from Jane (a potential roommate)-
Jane: Heyyyyy Haley how are you!?
Me: Good and yourself?
Jane: I. Am. Great! You know I'm just trying to get my cleaning business started. A little about me- I'm divorced, but whatever, I have 2 kids. My 15 year old lives with his dad, but whatever, he'll come back to me I'm not worried about it. And my 7 year old lives with me. You know, I'm a "cool mom" and my kid is like super well behaved so it's whatever you know!? My last roommate was a 22 year old girl too so you will be perfect!
Me: Yeah, I am not so much kid friendly, thanks though.

Thursday I travel down to Indy to begin my search. Appointments 1, 2, and 3 all sounded a little something like this. "Now we do listen to music sometimes, but never loud enough that you will hear it. I mean sometimes if I have just had a rough day I will pump it up (if no one is home of course) but as soon as you get home I would obviously turn it down. We basically keep to ourselves in our rooms for the most part." Essentially extremely quiet, non partiers, who refer to themselves as "snow angel" and live out in the middle of no where.

Appointment number 4 was with two 2005 IU grads, which in the literal sense would make them ~27 years old. But in actual life they might have just turned 21. There were beer cans everywhere, an entire room in the basement dedicated to beer pong, and a huge poster of some naked chick in the laundry room. These boys were my best bet. But I had two more appointments scheduled for Friday so there was still some hope.

Friday morning I meet Brae (gender ambiguous) which turns out to be a dude. Shorter than me and twice my width, he works at Fedex and Marco's pizza. Turns out he is looking for a place too! So we go to an apartment complex near Broad Ripple and look at places together. What a disaster.

Final appointment, number 6. Downtown in the ghetto. Turns out the guy has a cat that he FORGOT to mention in his posting. He says, "Oh yeah, I just updated that, sorry I forgot to tell you." Me: "Yeah the cat is a deal breaker." Him: "Well if the cat isn't a deal breaker usually the backyard is." I look in the backyard, and what to my wondering eyes should appear? But 6 freaking CHICKENS and 2 stupid GOATS! Me: "hahahahahha did you grow up on a farm??" Him: "Oh no, just south of Broad Ripple." Me: giving him an "ok weirdo, then why the hell do you have chickens and goats in your backyard!?" Him: "the chickens were easy, just build a coop and collect their eggs. The goats, now that, (saying as if he is extremely impressed with himself, as if owning goats is some kind of life long accomplishment) that, took a couple months of research to figure out to milk them. But yeah, I've had Ivy and Paco for about 2 1/2 years now." Me: "Well sir, it's been a real pleasure. I need to tear my hair out now."

Up In The Air

Back from NY and in the Midwest again. Labor Day weekend in Syracuse was a spectacle to say the least. It began with beer, was filled with Cyprus Gardens spraying a boat full of youngins because she wanted to "fuck with them a little bit", proceeded by throwing both myself and brother off the jetski, both of us laughing hysterically while trying to climb back on (thank god for that whole "key attached to the lifevest maneuver"), and finally ended with an epic event known as the "corn off". I'm tempted to go so far as to write "known as the 'corn off 2010'" because it was truly that epic of an event that it needs to and should be reenacted once a year. Congratulations Chris Larbes and Mr. Showalter for holding down the Midwesterner stereotype to the nth degree.

I begin my first steps of real life in a beautiful city known as Bentonville, Arkansas. Bentonville, as I'm sure you all know, is the home of both Sam's Club and Walmart corporate headquarters. A magical place chalk full of toothless wonders and Nascar enthusiasts. The Hilton Garden Inn: a place where my boss, Jim, is essentially considered an A list celebrity.

He is greeted by first name not only by Rose and Eric (the front desk people), but also Dawn (the bartender), and Penny (the cook). Jim has equipped the bar/lounge with a Nintendo Wii Rock Band for personal and public entertainment and financed an additional freezer and refrigerator in the kitchen to accommodate shipments of pastry samples he sends to the hotel, WHICH he pays Penny (the cook) $50 for every shipment she unloads. Wow.

This man is my new boss. And pastry sales is my new calling. Penny asks (in a southern accent), "how's your little worker girl here so skinny workin for you Jim!? I gained 25 pounds when you started comin here with all those pastries you give us.". Jim: "Today's her first day!" Penny: "Oh you wait girl, first month and you will be puttin on ten pounds easy." Me: "can't wait!" (Awkward laugh) And Penny may be right, because I've never tasted so many pies, cookies, cakes, streusel-y morsals, and cream filled shenanigans in my life!

In true business woman fashion, I had 18 minutes upon arrival at the North West Arkansas airport to get through security and to my gate. I handed the appropriate documents to the woman standing at the infamous airport podium and as she's matching up the name on my license to the one on my boarding pass, I have a mini panic attack as I look at the 15 men dressed in suits currently waiting in the security line before me. "Podium lady, (I didn't actually call her that) is there anything you can do? My flight leaves in approx 14 minutes!" Podium lady (in southern accent): "there's nothin I can do sweetheart but if you want to ask each and every one of these gentlemen to let you skip in front of them, be my guest." Very southern sounding man behind me says: "darlin, I know for a fact every single one of these men will let your pretty self ahead of them, if it were me, I'd be waitin at the back of the line, but for you little lady, no problem." I proceed to ask/announce my plane's impending departure, and sure enough, I am at my gate just in time to hear, "last call for passenger Haley Marsh, last call" "that's me I said!"

And back to Indiana I flew.

I forsee the next 6 months of my life similar to the character George Clooney plays in "Up in the Air" and keeping with this comparison I will be providing you with knowlegeable tidbits and interesting insights regarding the airport industry.

Insight #1: Who else besides flight attendants pre take off uses any form of the word "stow"? Ex: please stow all personal baggage and electronic devices in the seat back in front of you.

Midwestern Flavor in the Big Apple

Hi Team,

Long time no talk. I would love to recap the weekend of Scotter and Jillian. They arrive at my dorm to pick me up, and the first embrace is magical J Scott tries to embrace the ridiculous amount of traffic as it takes us 20 minutes to travel about 3 miles to drop off the rental car. Next up in transportation torments, Jill tries to mask her near heart attack when we get into the cab that takes us to the hotel as he is driving like a complete lunatic. As soon as we get out Jillian says, “You didn’t even notice that did you?” Me: “haha nope!” I mean, you never really hear about Taxi accidents, so I assume safety at all times.

Thursday night we boozed a little bit at Pier 17, which was very relaxing to get away from the city a little bit and see the water. For dinner, I awed Scotter and Jillian with my frugality, saving them $30 at a muy posh Italian restaurante. Thank you Groupon. For those of you price conscious aficionados out there (aka Jessica and Aunt Mary) not familiar with Groupon, I highly recommend you check it out!

Friday I blew S&J’s minds by taking them on a tour of the MoMA. The contemporary exhibition of white spray paint directly on the floor; Bruce Nauman’s “sound sculpture” consisting of a continuous stream of seven voices reciting the days of the week in random order; or the feminist photography exhibition of Valie Export’s crotchless pants…all winners. Following the museum we traveled down to a different kind of mind blowing experience: Century 21 “New York’s best kept secret.” If Century 21 is the best kept secret, then I don’t want to see the worst kept, because it’s an absolute mad house. Scott lasted 6 minutes before I got a text informing me that he would be outside when we were finished. A pair of Hudson jeans and Calvin Klein blouse later and we were out of there!

Our evening activity consisted of consuming REAL food for the SECOND night in a row and attending Avenue Q (an off-Broadway play). Avenue Q is a story of a bright-eyed college grad who comes to New York City with big dreams and a tiny bank account. Mixed in with various levels of inappropriateness…Sound familiar?

Saturday we went to the 59th street entrance of Central Park which was absolutely beautiful! It was there, in that beautiful patch of grass, that I got rained on by tears of reality. After a sufficiently depressing discussion of salary, insurance, medical, dental, 401K, taxes, taxes, and more TAXES…it was time for me to depart. It was a tearful goodbye that afternoon with my favotrite parents in the world.

Then I was off to meet Erin and Shar in Queens for the MoMA PS1 Warmup Concert Series! That, is a posting for another day. I must run, as blogging at work is usually not looked upon highly. :)

xx

Photograph: Robert Indiana, Love, 1970
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_Indiana

S.U.P. Brooklyn

Greetings Team Haley

It has been another action packed weekend in the Big Apple. Allow me to recap my most recent adventures. Saturday Alex and I traveled to an exotic land known as Connecticut. The hour long train ride there was quite entertaining; we discussed at what height you are officially disadvantaged as a male (answer: anything below 5'5"), how much money it would take you to jump down into the tracks to retrieve it (answer: anything greater than or equal to $5), and of course the age old debate over which Tostito chip is superior: scoops or bite size (answer: bite size). We hung out on the beach for a while, swam in jellyfish infested waters, and laid out on the pier. Everyone else decided to swim back to the beach while Alex and I remained on the pier. Once we were ready to head in, we came to the realization that jumping back into the egregiously salty, cold, jellyfish Connecticut waters was not number one on the favorite activities list. Just then, we saw someone "S.U.P.ing" which for you uneducated land faring folk is also known as a Standing Up Paddle Surfing. (notice picture) Obviously, I call out to the man: "Excuse me sir, what are the chances you can give me a ride back to shore on that thing?" man: "well, I've never tried to fit two people on here, but we can give it a whirl."

We end up talking to the guy (Chris) for a while. He gives us both free lessons on the board and tells us all about the ways of S.U.P. Turns out he gives S.U.P. lessons and even has a class. Apparently this is a great workout and "I'm sure your dad would love this." So watch out Lake Syracuse! To be honest, I was pretty quick on the board, but not so good on the steering. I had to sit down and canoe myself back to the pier because I was too far away and not making any progress changing directions while standing on the board. All in all, a great day.

Sunday morning (per the usual) was a little rough. However, I ended up making it out of the apt to have a fulfilling day! Shar and I traveled to the Brooklyn Museum to see the Warhol exhibition. Which...was mind blowing. It showcased his last ten years as an artist and it was amazing to see some of his more abstract works. One of my favorites (shown below) is called Oxidation, which he made by urinating on copper...quite hilarious actually, since when it was first showcased not everyone knew that little tidbit.



After the museum we went to Prospect Park. Prospect Park was designed by Frederick Law Olmsted and Calvert Vaux after they completed Manhattan's Central Park. Many people say that Central Park was just Olmsted and Vaux's warm up round, and that Prospect Park is where they really got it right. I couldn't agree more. It was absolutely beautiful. You totally forgot you were in the city at all. Shar and I laid in the middle of a huge field, sunshine on our faces, and chitter chattered for a while before heading back home. Finished off the evening with an episode of Top Gear, my new favorite BBC production, and now my friends it is time for bed.

Stay tuned, Scott and Jill arrive Thursday. :) Next blog should be amusing to say the least.

Reasonable People Drink PBR

So I definitely have a new respect for business dudes and ladies who sport a professional look while using public transportation in the summer. Traveling to my sales career fair was borderline unbearable, and I was wearing a skirt suit!

Time to backtrack. Last night I was enjoying an ice cold $4 PBR (happy hour special NYC style) and some sir at a different table is giving me the eye. I respond by giving him the "can I help you?" eye back. He motions for me to come over to his table as if he has something to ask him. I motion back "if you need to ask a question you may do so at my table".

He approaches the table and here's the opening line "you seem like a reasonable person since you are drinking PBR so I was hoping you would be able to settle a dispute my friends and I are having"
Me: well you are right about that, I am a perfectly reasonable human being, what's the debate?
Him: is it completely wrong to cheat on your wife or girlfriend if emotions are not involved.
Me: yes, but define cheating.
Him: sex.
Me: duh you idiot.
Him: ok let me frame it this way, let's say your wife thinks she's a great cook, but every night you sneak out after dinner and go to a different restaurant.
Me: examples a and b are completely different and not comparable. Sex is the most intimate thing you can share with another person. Many would argue it to be a much more intimate experience than a bowl of chicken and pasta.
Him: all I'm saying is that our society places too much of an emphasis on the importance of sex.
Me: alright guy whatever you say.

He goes back to the table and I see his wedding ring. Classy.

Persistence to Party

I often times like to make correlations btw positive characteristics you would use to describe yourself in an interview and real life situations. Example: resourcefulness demonstrated by chewing gum directly after taking a shot of alcohol because proper chasers were not available.

Last night's example of inappropriate interview characteristics can be described as a persistence to party. Allow me to map out an evening only to be described as ridiculous.

I exit my apt at 5:30pm wearing a short grey skirt, white t, and high heels. Even in New York you will get stares for these types of shenanigans because people are not ready to see you in this attire quite yet...I get on the subway to meet up with some friends for happy hour on 42nd st (East Side), afterwards I hop on the subway again to meet up with E for our romantic restaurant week dinner on 14th st (East Side). After dinner we take a cab back up to 50th st (West Side). 50th turns out to be a dud, so we decide to meet up with another team at 56th st (East Side). Once out of the cab, the team informs us we actually needed to be on 23rd st (East Side). At this point E and I are hot (really hot), sweaty, and increasingly becoming less sober and more grumpy.

After a very silent walk up to 68th street I decide to try one last time. Erin and I depart ways and I jump BACK onto the subway headed down to 23rd st. This last attempt was a winner. I met up with Alex and his friends at a 3 story hookah bar/club. They had a table with bottle service there so the remainder of the evening was both enjoyable and economically efficient.

Attached map for detailed travel experience coming soon.

Business Development with Scott and Jill

I realized yesterday my bosses at work are slightly varied versions of Scott and Jill Marsh. Before I get into that, let me back it up a little bit and set the stage.

I've basically been number crunching all summer in hopes to eventually build a model enabling MoMA to easily expand their retail stores. For example, if they decide to build a 3,000 square foot store in Italy, essentially my retail space analysis model would tell them the SKU assortment, expected traffic, conversion rate, profitability etc. So one of my tasks is to calculate the selling square footage for each product category. Ex: kitchen housewares and tabletop account for 18% of the space and 23% of the sales.

Now before I continue it is important to note that I have two bosses. William, the business development manager (aka Scott), and Ruth, the lady William reports to/director of business development (or Jill depending on how you wish to view the situation). William is a very pragmatic and detailed oriented person, he likes to think things through logically and take his time. Ruth, however, is an extremely charismatic and lively Jewish-mother-type. When it comes down to it, she is only concerned with the "big picture." (as she says in her very assertive New York accent)

Yesterday I met with Ruth to discuss my progress. Instead of analyzing 8 different floor plans, calculating square footage by department, averaging those numbers, and then adding up all the categories to figure out a final square footage percentage, she decides we are taking a different route in solving our space allocation problem.

She grabs a tape measure from her desk and says, c'mon Haley we are going to the design store. According to Ruth, there are basically three fixtures: small, medium, and large. She busts out the tape measure, disregarding nearby shoppers, and begins half measuring half eyeballing the fixtures. "Alright. We will call this one 8, this one 4, and since this one looks like it's in the middle, we'll call that 6." We spent about 15 more minutes in the store eye balling and tape measuring until she was satisfied. "See, told you this was easy. Analyzing 8 floor plans? Please! We don't have time for that!"

It was at this point when I realized that if Jillian were the director of Business Development at MoMA she would have tackled this situation in exactly the same fashion. And Scotter (or William in my case) would let out a disappointed sigh at the utter inaccuracy of what just occurred.

In the end it was an extremely satisfying day.

Miss you Mother and Father...can't wait to show you around the city!

Supercalifragulisticexpialidocious!

Hello Readers

I am currently at work. I have decided for the last 20 minutes of my life I cannot and will not look at the same spreadsheet I have been analyzing for the past month.

I haven’t spoken to you guys about the weekend. It was great, if you were wondering. Friday night we went to a local clubby/bar thing which was very convenient for the ride home. Usually we are somewhere in Meatpacking which requires some serious concentration to figure out how to get home. Saturday, as some of you may know, I finally made it to Nevada Smiths where I was on the clock from 9:30-5:30, main responsibilities included drinking beer and cheering for America. I was great at this job, some might even say, too great. I slept from 6:00pm Saturday evening to 5:30am Sunday morning. Sunday was pretty rough until about 1pm, but I still managed to make it to Central Park for a couple hours of bronzing in the sweltering humidity.

The first portion of my 4^th of July week has been hot. Really hot. Today it finally cooled down, but humidity was at 12,000% on Monday and Tuesday which makes crowded subways in the morning not so much fun. Tuesday evening Kemma and I went to see Mary Poppins on Broadway! I am always (and by always I mean twice now) astounded by what they can do with sets and props! They are so detailed and transportable you forget you are at a play. At one point they had Bert—the chim chimminy chim chim charee sweep man tap dancing upside down on the ceiling! And at the end of the play Mary Poppins flew into the crowd on her umbrella. Muy impressivo I say.

Tonight we have an intern bonding session, perhaps a post party happy hour, who knows. Watch out for the weekend updates. Shout out to Riley on Friday, way to be born broski! Have a Happy 4^th everyone, miss you tons!

Cultural Explosion

Greetings!

My past three days have been nothing less than a cultural stimulation overload. Let’s break it down:

Monday—Jess and I went to Brooklyn after work to see Grant and three other opera singers perform in Fort Greene Park. Sounds like an easy enough journey, but we accidentally went 15 subway stops in the wrong direction. I am completely embarrassed this happened, and would not like to discuss it further. The important part is that we got to the park just in time to see Grant sing! It was absolutely beautiful. In addition to the singers there was a cellist and a piano. The piano was/is part of the “Play Me I’m Yours” program, where from 9am-10pm each day, 60 pianos are available to play across New York City for any member of the public to play and engage with. One of the performers even sang that annoying Travie McCoy-Billioniare song opera style, which was actually much better than the Travie McCoy version. It was a perfect example of Caitlin’s theory of how certain forms of media or food typically found to be unpleasant are much more enjoyable when presented in an unexpected atmosphere. Ex: I don’t particular care for peanut butter cookies, but if someone were to pass them out in elementary school for someone’s birthday, I would definitely eat them, and like them. Afterwards Grant and his friend walked Jess and I to the subway as we caught up and chitter chattered about this and that.

Tuesday—Jess and I travelled down south yet again, but this time to the East Village to a hipster/indie movie theatre called Landmark Cinema where we watched the Banksy (a very famous, yet mysterious, British graffiti artist) movie called Exit Through the Gift Shop. The movie was surprisingly thought provoking, entertaining, and hilarious. One major theme the movie touched on was the value of art and how deceptive that whole process really is. Essentially if one influential artist or critic labels an unknown newby’s work “brilliant” they can be selling their work for hundreds of thousands in weeks. Afterwards we met up with Kim (another intern biddy who goes to NYU), Juan, Josh, Tasha and 4 other people that aren’t important enough to name off at a hookah bar by the theatre. And at some point between leaving my apartment at 8am and arriving at 11:30pm, my entry card had fallen out of my purse. As I am running low on funds at the moment I have been telling the security guards I left my ID upstairs and they let me go up. Hopefully my card issues will be resolved this afternoon.

Wednesday—Chalk full of artistic discussion. At lunch Jess, Sharrissa, and I went to see 5 artists from the P.S.1 “Greater New York” exhibition speak about their work. David Benjamin Sherry was by far my favorite. He was completely ADD and his photographs were comical and eye catching. After work we travelled to Tribeca to see a live taping of an Art 21 performance entitled “The Present Perfect.” I watch Art21 documentaries all the time on pbs.org so it was so cool to actually see one in real life! Last but not least, when walking to the nearest 6 subway stop we saw....MERYL STREEP! Haha my first official NY celebrity spotting. We (Kristin and I, another intern/ hard core drinker from Milwaukee who I quickly realized will be a great addition to my life) yelled, “Meryl we love you!” She turned around, waved and smiled at us.

Thursday—Goals of today are: resolve financial issues, regain access to building, have a home cooked meal at Granny’s with Erin.

As you all know, US will be playing Ghana this Saturday, so I am working towards a more successful soccer watching experience this weekend.

xx

Mermaid Parades and Chicken Nuggets

Hi Team...

I've had a very successful weekend since we last spoke. Thursday Alex and I met up at Juan's (aka my new home for the last two weeks of August) and then went out for the Lakers Celtics game at a 3 story sports bar which was quite entertaining. Juan's (drunk) brother decided to inform me that the bracelets I was wearing made me look like I was from Brooklyn. Either I'm not integrated enough in the Manhattan know how to understand what a Brooklyn bracelet looks like, or he was drunk. I prefer the latter option.

Friday Jess (intern friend) plus Melissa (friend visiting Jess for the weekend) met up with David and his crew at a bar where everyone drinks from large fishbowls of who knows exactly what. Ended up crashing at Josh's place which made for an entertaining stroll home at 9:30 in the morning sporting high heels and a short dress with sequins.

After the walk of shame I climbed into bed expecting to catch a couple more zzz's before beginning my next adventure. However, some Spanish religious parade taking place right outside my window had other plans for me. So I went downstairs to check out the racket (after showering and changing to fit in with the rest of society) watched a choreographed child sized Latina dance routine and got a slice of pizza. Circa noon time my neighbor friend Alex calls me and we decide to make the pilgrimage to Coney Island for the 2010 Mermaid Parade, which was described to me as New York's version of Mardi Gras.

Unbelievable is one word that comes to mind when attempting to describe this event. Hopefully the pictures will serve as a better tool of explanation than my words. We pushed through the crowd and watched the parade for a bit before heading to the less than clean over populated beach where the standard occupant has the ability to mortify a small child. We laid out and people watched for an hour or so then I headed back to the city to pick up Chad. What an adventure. I am interested in going to Coney Island again and experiencing it with less transvestite mermaids.

Chad and I had a wonderful evening. Starting with drinks in midtown with one of his British friends he made while working in Parliament who had been on "holiday" for the past 3 weeks. Europe and their vacation time. We told him that two weeks is standard in America, he was appalled. After drinks we met Josh and a couple of his friends at some swanky outdoor place in MeatPacking. I recognized one of the girls from my year in Isreal aka Smallwood. She asked me who I lived with, and apparently I'm not the only person who has beef with Olivia Lichaa. After spot number 2 we went to a dance/club/bar place called the BrassMonkey. Chad and I danced our faces off and ended the evening with a nice plate of microwaved chicken nuggets.

Today Alex and I hung out in Central Park for a couple hours, got rained on, so we went back to his place and watched some Entourage. I met up with Erin at Granny's this evening. We cooked a wonderful meal of chicken, peas, and crescent rolls. We had a very relaxing time catching up, dining on the terrace, and watching the sunset.

Tough life.

The Double Helix

Week two at MoMA has been quite eventful. Tuesday we had the annual staff picnic, which was a catered event held in the sculpture garden. I got to meet a lot of people from my department and chat them up which was quite lovely.

Wednesday I had an hour long meeting with my supervisor, William. During discussion of potential career opportunities/networking connections etc. he informed me that when reviewing applicants for the Business Development Intern position it was between me and Biddy#2. Biddy#2 was a Harvard undergraduate, currently working on her MBA at Yale. William said he was extremely impressed by my essays, targeted work experience, and passion for the Museum of Modern Art; and obviously chose me over Biddy#2. What a confidence booster!

Bonus #2 of Wednesday involves me getting a free watch! Retail price: $100. Every year MoMA has a staff sale where they sell all leftover, damaged, outdated retail items to the museum staff at deep discounts. Hard back art books usually priced $70+ are sold for $5! Everyone who helped set up got to pick out one item for free!

The fun of Wednesday did not stop there. After work, my new intern friend, Jess and I headed to the East Village, met up with Erin, and witnessed our first ever poetry reading at the Nuyorcian Cafe (http://www.nuyorican.org/) I heard about this place from one of my NYC Daily Deals emails and it is only $5 for students on Wednesdays. The venue was everything one would imagine from a poetry cafe: hipster scene where everyone knows each other, intelligent dialogue, and interesting tattoos. Anyway, the most entertaining performance of the evening was a duet. One woman read a poem infused with words like: double helix, interstitial tissue, coagulate etc. Not one sentence of her (seemingly forever long but probably around 7 minute) prose resembled any time of coherent structure. I figured she must be a medical student and this is how she unwinds after a long day of studying. The second woman did...wait for it...interpretive dance! Interpretive dance to Lady#1's medical poetry. It was priceless. I almost took a video with my phone but I figured the bright light may be distracting and obvious.

Anywho, today I must go pick up my watch at the staff sale and Russell asked me to show him around the museum for a little bit. Jess's friend is coming in today from Bahhston (Boston) so we will probably all hang out since my former weekend warrior, Erin Bartlett, is coming down with the "I work 11 hour days" disease. Also, Chad might be coming in on Saturday to visit as well! Things are looking up friends and family.

Just wait for my Sunday post...should be mind blowing as usual!

**The picture is not actually the Double Helix Dancer but close enough**

Life Lessons

Hello All

Weekend number two in the big apple will be characterized as a series of learning experiences.

#1. Remember identification when attempting to consume alcoholic beverages.

Thursday evening Russell and I traveled down to Avenue A and 1st St (also known as very far away from 97th and 3rd) to meet up with Erin for some after work (her not me) drinks. This around the time I realize I had forgotten my ID. Therefore, our first choice in alcoholic establishments was out of the question. Plan B let me into the bar because the bouncer "had empathy for the youth." haha whatever that means.

#2. Do not lose important entry mechanisms.

Long story short, went to a club Friday night. Pregamed (hard, maybe too hard) at Granny's beforehand with Russell and another study abroad friend, Joe. Had a grand old time at the bar, but somehow managed to lose my 'get into home card.' Got that situation settled at the front door, however, I'm sure the sir or maam that let me up at 3:00am was not too excited about it.

#3. Do not eat street meat when hungover.

Saturday morning we waited in line outside of Nevada Smiths for an hour and a half. Clearly, I got hungry while waiting in line and drinking out of my special Captain and Coke concoction, so I purchased a street meat shishkabob. This street meat shishkabob did not settle with my stomach. Two hours later, once settled in at a new (not Nevada Smiths) but still a lot of fun bar with our new friends we had made while waiting in line at Nevada Smiths, my food decided it didn't want to be inside of my stomach anymore. After puking in the bathroom I realized it would be a wise choice to go home and rest. And rest is what I did.

This rest was interrupted by Team Midwest, packing up all of Erin's things. My new friend with lots of potential is back in Ohio with a broken shin bone. Sadness.

Sunday, after aforementioned mistakes, I decided to be a productive member of society. I woke up, went to the Guggenheim museum which was fabulous! It was the Puerto Rican festival today so there were cops at every subway and corner, because apparently those kids get a little crazy during festival hours. Either way it made for entertaining subway rides. After the Gug I met up with Kemma at Madison Sq Park and her friend for the "Big Apple BBQ Block Party" which was quite tasty! Afterwards I even managed to thwart off the temptations of purchasing something at American Apparel and went home and finished up some stuff for work tomorrow!

In conclusion, this weekend I learned some valuable life lessons about responsibility and street meat.

I Want You To Want Me

Also if you have time you should check this out. Currently on display in the Architecture and Design exhibition at MoMA. The interns took a tour of the exhibition on Tuesday and this piece absolutely blew my mind. Essentially a five foot tall 3 foot wide touch screen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GZUaXDm4qik

xx

Naked In CandyLand

Yesterday Russell (study abroad friend who is still in the city) and I went to go see Get Him To the Greek...for $12.50 a person, gotta love NY pricing! The movie didn't blow my socks off but P.Diddy or Diddy Dirty Money as he now likes to be referred to as was surprisingly hilarious! Afterwards we got some pizza and discussed our big plans to rage our faces off Friday night, camp outside of Nevada Smiths (http://www.nevadasmiths.net/) in order to get a seat for the Saturday 2:30pm England vs USA match...if that plan becomes a reality I will be a) surprised b) happy c) most likely very drunk...but if not I will be attending $5 all you can eat BBQ ribs in the park!

And if I don't attend that, there is always a Saturday Hula Hooping workout that Erin and I signed up for, good for any Saturday until November. haha can you imagine a bunch of people hula hooping, for exercise in the middle of Central Park. It will be classic.

The great thing about interning three days a week is Wednesday is your Friday! But don't worry Scotter, I am pretending as if I am a full time contributor to the economy and have dedicated Thursday and Friday as my "look for full time employment" days. I ate lunch with another intern Jess whom I quite enjoy, down to earth biddy who likes to party :) I think Jess will be appearing more in this blog and my life this summer outside of work. Cliques of trendy, wafey, East coast artistas are rapidly developing, more to come on that topic next week.

After work myself and Erica (biddy from Texas who works in retail graphic design) headed over to 51st and Lexington--in the rain mind you with one umbrella...I felt like Farnsworth Bentley (A+ if you understand the reference)--to hear Will Cotton, an artist who works in the vein of photo realist paintings, speak at Sotheby's. He was very intelligent, genuine, and extremely interesting. Main themes included indulgence and desire coupled with a certain "wonderful loneliness."

Nothing touches me more than to listen to people talk about art.

NOTE: attached images are PAINTINGS! Absolutely amazing.

xx

Haley