Ivy and Paco

When I told my friend AJ I was looking for places to live on Craigslist, he laughed. Out loud. At me. "Good luck with that!"

Phone call from Bruce (a potential roommate)-
Me: Hey Bruce my phone's about to die, could you just email me the details of the apartment and we can set up an appointment from there?
Bruce: Oooh well.. (He was an extremely slow talker, and extremely slow talkers are definitely on my "don't trust" list) well, I don't know about all that typing, you know what I mean? Its easier for me to speak 300 words a minute than it is for me to type 300 words a minute.
Aka see ya later Bruce.

Phone call from Jane (a potential roommate)-
Jane: Heyyyyy Haley how are you!?
Me: Good and yourself?
Jane: I. Am. Great! You know I'm just trying to get my cleaning business started. A little about me- I'm divorced, but whatever, I have 2 kids. My 15 year old lives with his dad, but whatever, he'll come back to me I'm not worried about it. And my 7 year old lives with me. You know, I'm a "cool mom" and my kid is like super well behaved so it's whatever you know!? My last roommate was a 22 year old girl too so you will be perfect!
Me: Yeah, I am not so much kid friendly, thanks though.

Thursday I travel down to Indy to begin my search. Appointments 1, 2, and 3 all sounded a little something like this. "Now we do listen to music sometimes, but never loud enough that you will hear it. I mean sometimes if I have just had a rough day I will pump it up (if no one is home of course) but as soon as you get home I would obviously turn it down. We basically keep to ourselves in our rooms for the most part." Essentially extremely quiet, non partiers, who refer to themselves as "snow angel" and live out in the middle of no where.

Appointment number 4 was with two 2005 IU grads, which in the literal sense would make them ~27 years old. But in actual life they might have just turned 21. There were beer cans everywhere, an entire room in the basement dedicated to beer pong, and a huge poster of some naked chick in the laundry room. These boys were my best bet. But I had two more appointments scheduled for Friday so there was still some hope.

Friday morning I meet Brae (gender ambiguous) which turns out to be a dude. Shorter than me and twice my width, he works at Fedex and Marco's pizza. Turns out he is looking for a place too! So we go to an apartment complex near Broad Ripple and look at places together. What a disaster.

Final appointment, number 6. Downtown in the ghetto. Turns out the guy has a cat that he FORGOT to mention in his posting. He says, "Oh yeah, I just updated that, sorry I forgot to tell you." Me: "Yeah the cat is a deal breaker." Him: "Well if the cat isn't a deal breaker usually the backyard is." I look in the backyard, and what to my wondering eyes should appear? But 6 freaking CHICKENS and 2 stupid GOATS! Me: "hahahahahha did you grow up on a farm??" Him: "Oh no, just south of Broad Ripple." Me: giving him an "ok weirdo, then why the hell do you have chickens and goats in your backyard!?" Him: "the chickens were easy, just build a coop and collect their eggs. The goats, now that, (saying as if he is extremely impressed with himself, as if owning goats is some kind of life long accomplishment) that, took a couple months of research to figure out to milk them. But yeah, I've had Ivy and Paco for about 2 1/2 years now." Me: "Well sir, it's been a real pleasure. I need to tear my hair out now."

Up In The Air

Back from NY and in the Midwest again. Labor Day weekend in Syracuse was a spectacle to say the least. It began with beer, was filled with Cyprus Gardens spraying a boat full of youngins because she wanted to "fuck with them a little bit", proceeded by throwing both myself and brother off the jetski, both of us laughing hysterically while trying to climb back on (thank god for that whole "key attached to the lifevest maneuver"), and finally ended with an epic event known as the "corn off". I'm tempted to go so far as to write "known as the 'corn off 2010'" because it was truly that epic of an event that it needs to and should be reenacted once a year. Congratulations Chris Larbes and Mr. Showalter for holding down the Midwesterner stereotype to the nth degree.

I begin my first steps of real life in a beautiful city known as Bentonville, Arkansas. Bentonville, as I'm sure you all know, is the home of both Sam's Club and Walmart corporate headquarters. A magical place chalk full of toothless wonders and Nascar enthusiasts. The Hilton Garden Inn: a place where my boss, Jim, is essentially considered an A list celebrity.

He is greeted by first name not only by Rose and Eric (the front desk people), but also Dawn (the bartender), and Penny (the cook). Jim has equipped the bar/lounge with a Nintendo Wii Rock Band for personal and public entertainment and financed an additional freezer and refrigerator in the kitchen to accommodate shipments of pastry samples he sends to the hotel, WHICH he pays Penny (the cook) $50 for every shipment she unloads. Wow.

This man is my new boss. And pastry sales is my new calling. Penny asks (in a southern accent), "how's your little worker girl here so skinny workin for you Jim!? I gained 25 pounds when you started comin here with all those pastries you give us.". Jim: "Today's her first day!" Penny: "Oh you wait girl, first month and you will be puttin on ten pounds easy." Me: "can't wait!" (Awkward laugh) And Penny may be right, because I've never tasted so many pies, cookies, cakes, streusel-y morsals, and cream filled shenanigans in my life!

In true business woman fashion, I had 18 minutes upon arrival at the North West Arkansas airport to get through security and to my gate. I handed the appropriate documents to the woman standing at the infamous airport podium and as she's matching up the name on my license to the one on my boarding pass, I have a mini panic attack as I look at the 15 men dressed in suits currently waiting in the security line before me. "Podium lady, (I didn't actually call her that) is there anything you can do? My flight leaves in approx 14 minutes!" Podium lady (in southern accent): "there's nothin I can do sweetheart but if you want to ask each and every one of these gentlemen to let you skip in front of them, be my guest." Very southern sounding man behind me says: "darlin, I know for a fact every single one of these men will let your pretty self ahead of them, if it were me, I'd be waitin at the back of the line, but for you little lady, no problem." I proceed to ask/announce my plane's impending departure, and sure enough, I am at my gate just in time to hear, "last call for passenger Haley Marsh, last call" "that's me I said!"

And back to Indiana I flew.

I forsee the next 6 months of my life similar to the character George Clooney plays in "Up in the Air" and keeping with this comparison I will be providing you with knowlegeable tidbits and interesting insights regarding the airport industry.

Insight #1: Who else besides flight attendants pre take off uses any form of the word "stow"? Ex: please stow all personal baggage and electronic devices in the seat back in front of you.

Midwestern Flavor in the Big Apple

Hi Team,

Long time no talk. I would love to recap the weekend of Scotter and Jillian. They arrive at my dorm to pick me up, and the first embrace is magical J Scott tries to embrace the ridiculous amount of traffic as it takes us 20 minutes to travel about 3 miles to drop off the rental car. Next up in transportation torments, Jill tries to mask her near heart attack when we get into the cab that takes us to the hotel as he is driving like a complete lunatic. As soon as we get out Jillian says, “You didn’t even notice that did you?” Me: “haha nope!” I mean, you never really hear about Taxi accidents, so I assume safety at all times.

Thursday night we boozed a little bit at Pier 17, which was very relaxing to get away from the city a little bit and see the water. For dinner, I awed Scotter and Jillian with my frugality, saving them $30 at a muy posh Italian restaurante. Thank you Groupon. For those of you price conscious aficionados out there (aka Jessica and Aunt Mary) not familiar with Groupon, I highly recommend you check it out!

Friday I blew S&J’s minds by taking them on a tour of the MoMA. The contemporary exhibition of white spray paint directly on the floor; Bruce Nauman’s “sound sculpture” consisting of a continuous stream of seven voices reciting the days of the week in random order; or the feminist photography exhibition of Valie Export’s crotchless pants…all winners. Following the museum we traveled down to a different kind of mind blowing experience: Century 21 “New York’s best kept secret.” If Century 21 is the best kept secret, then I don’t want to see the worst kept, because it’s an absolute mad house. Scott lasted 6 minutes before I got a text informing me that he would be outside when we were finished. A pair of Hudson jeans and Calvin Klein blouse later and we were out of there!

Our evening activity consisted of consuming REAL food for the SECOND night in a row and attending Avenue Q (an off-Broadway play). Avenue Q is a story of a bright-eyed college grad who comes to New York City with big dreams and a tiny bank account. Mixed in with various levels of inappropriateness…Sound familiar?

Saturday we went to the 59th street entrance of Central Park which was absolutely beautiful! It was there, in that beautiful patch of grass, that I got rained on by tears of reality. After a sufficiently depressing discussion of salary, insurance, medical, dental, 401K, taxes, taxes, and more TAXES…it was time for me to depart. It was a tearful goodbye that afternoon with my favotrite parents in the world.

Then I was off to meet Erin and Shar in Queens for the MoMA PS1 Warmup Concert Series! That, is a posting for another day. I must run, as blogging at work is usually not looked upon highly. :)

xx

Photograph: Robert Indiana, Love, 1970
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_Indiana

S.U.P. Brooklyn

Greetings Team Haley

It has been another action packed weekend in the Big Apple. Allow me to recap my most recent adventures. Saturday Alex and I traveled to an exotic land known as Connecticut. The hour long train ride there was quite entertaining; we discussed at what height you are officially disadvantaged as a male (answer: anything below 5'5"), how much money it would take you to jump down into the tracks to retrieve it (answer: anything greater than or equal to $5), and of course the age old debate over which Tostito chip is superior: scoops or bite size (answer: bite size). We hung out on the beach for a while, swam in jellyfish infested waters, and laid out on the pier. Everyone else decided to swim back to the beach while Alex and I remained on the pier. Once we were ready to head in, we came to the realization that jumping back into the egregiously salty, cold, jellyfish Connecticut waters was not number one on the favorite activities list. Just then, we saw someone "S.U.P.ing" which for you uneducated land faring folk is also known as a Standing Up Paddle Surfing. (notice picture) Obviously, I call out to the man: "Excuse me sir, what are the chances you can give me a ride back to shore on that thing?" man: "well, I've never tried to fit two people on here, but we can give it a whirl."

We end up talking to the guy (Chris) for a while. He gives us both free lessons on the board and tells us all about the ways of S.U.P. Turns out he gives S.U.P. lessons and even has a class. Apparently this is a great workout and "I'm sure your dad would love this." So watch out Lake Syracuse! To be honest, I was pretty quick on the board, but not so good on the steering. I had to sit down and canoe myself back to the pier because I was too far away and not making any progress changing directions while standing on the board. All in all, a great day.

Sunday morning (per the usual) was a little rough. However, I ended up making it out of the apt to have a fulfilling day! Shar and I traveled to the Brooklyn Museum to see the Warhol exhibition. Which...was mind blowing. It showcased his last ten years as an artist and it was amazing to see some of his more abstract works. One of my favorites (shown below) is called Oxidation, which he made by urinating on copper...quite hilarious actually, since when it was first showcased not everyone knew that little tidbit.



After the museum we went to Prospect Park. Prospect Park was designed by Frederick Law Olmsted and Calvert Vaux after they completed Manhattan's Central Park. Many people say that Central Park was just Olmsted and Vaux's warm up round, and that Prospect Park is where they really got it right. I couldn't agree more. It was absolutely beautiful. You totally forgot you were in the city at all. Shar and I laid in the middle of a huge field, sunshine on our faces, and chitter chattered for a while before heading back home. Finished off the evening with an episode of Top Gear, my new favorite BBC production, and now my friends it is time for bed.

Stay tuned, Scott and Jill arrive Thursday. :) Next blog should be amusing to say the least.

Reasonable People Drink PBR

So I definitely have a new respect for business dudes and ladies who sport a professional look while using public transportation in the summer. Traveling to my sales career fair was borderline unbearable, and I was wearing a skirt suit!

Time to backtrack. Last night I was enjoying an ice cold $4 PBR (happy hour special NYC style) and some sir at a different table is giving me the eye. I respond by giving him the "can I help you?" eye back. He motions for me to come over to his table as if he has something to ask him. I motion back "if you need to ask a question you may do so at my table".

He approaches the table and here's the opening line "you seem like a reasonable person since you are drinking PBR so I was hoping you would be able to settle a dispute my friends and I are having"
Me: well you are right about that, I am a perfectly reasonable human being, what's the debate?
Him: is it completely wrong to cheat on your wife or girlfriend if emotions are not involved.
Me: yes, but define cheating.
Him: sex.
Me: duh you idiot.
Him: ok let me frame it this way, let's say your wife thinks she's a great cook, but every night you sneak out after dinner and go to a different restaurant.
Me: examples a and b are completely different and not comparable. Sex is the most intimate thing you can share with another person. Many would argue it to be a much more intimate experience than a bowl of chicken and pasta.
Him: all I'm saying is that our society places too much of an emphasis on the importance of sex.
Me: alright guy whatever you say.

He goes back to the table and I see his wedding ring. Classy.

Persistence to Party

I often times like to make correlations btw positive characteristics you would use to describe yourself in an interview and real life situations. Example: resourcefulness demonstrated by chewing gum directly after taking a shot of alcohol because proper chasers were not available.

Last night's example of inappropriate interview characteristics can be described as a persistence to party. Allow me to map out an evening only to be described as ridiculous.

I exit my apt at 5:30pm wearing a short grey skirt, white t, and high heels. Even in New York you will get stares for these types of shenanigans because people are not ready to see you in this attire quite yet...I get on the subway to meet up with some friends for happy hour on 42nd st (East Side), afterwards I hop on the subway again to meet up with E for our romantic restaurant week dinner on 14th st (East Side). After dinner we take a cab back up to 50th st (West Side). 50th turns out to be a dud, so we decide to meet up with another team at 56th st (East Side). Once out of the cab, the team informs us we actually needed to be on 23rd st (East Side). At this point E and I are hot (really hot), sweaty, and increasingly becoming less sober and more grumpy.

After a very silent walk up to 68th street I decide to try one last time. Erin and I depart ways and I jump BACK onto the subway headed down to 23rd st. This last attempt was a winner. I met up with Alex and his friends at a 3 story hookah bar/club. They had a table with bottle service there so the remainder of the evening was both enjoyable and economically efficient.

Attached map for detailed travel experience coming soon.

Business Development with Scott and Jill

I realized yesterday my bosses at work are slightly varied versions of Scott and Jill Marsh. Before I get into that, let me back it up a little bit and set the stage.

I've basically been number crunching all summer in hopes to eventually build a model enabling MoMA to easily expand their retail stores. For example, if they decide to build a 3,000 square foot store in Italy, essentially my retail space analysis model would tell them the SKU assortment, expected traffic, conversion rate, profitability etc. So one of my tasks is to calculate the selling square footage for each product category. Ex: kitchen housewares and tabletop account for 18% of the space and 23% of the sales.

Now before I continue it is important to note that I have two bosses. William, the business development manager (aka Scott), and Ruth, the lady William reports to/director of business development (or Jill depending on how you wish to view the situation). William is a very pragmatic and detailed oriented person, he likes to think things through logically and take his time. Ruth, however, is an extremely charismatic and lively Jewish-mother-type. When it comes down to it, she is only concerned with the "big picture." (as she says in her very assertive New York accent)

Yesterday I met with Ruth to discuss my progress. Instead of analyzing 8 different floor plans, calculating square footage by department, averaging those numbers, and then adding up all the categories to figure out a final square footage percentage, she decides we are taking a different route in solving our space allocation problem.

She grabs a tape measure from her desk and says, c'mon Haley we are going to the design store. According to Ruth, there are basically three fixtures: small, medium, and large. She busts out the tape measure, disregarding nearby shoppers, and begins half measuring half eyeballing the fixtures. "Alright. We will call this one 8, this one 4, and since this one looks like it's in the middle, we'll call that 6." We spent about 15 more minutes in the store eye balling and tape measuring until she was satisfied. "See, told you this was easy. Analyzing 8 floor plans? Please! We don't have time for that!"

It was at this point when I realized that if Jillian were the director of Business Development at MoMA she would have tackled this situation in exactly the same fashion. And Scotter (or William in my case) would let out a disappointed sigh at the utter inaccuracy of what just occurred.

In the end it was an extremely satisfying day.

Miss you Mother and Father...can't wait to show you around the city!