Bump That Beat

In an attempt to compensate for my 2-3 days a week binge drinking sessions, I became a proud member of LA Fitness and started spinning classes. And I think it is extremely important I take the time to outline the sort characters they have teaching these classes. In two weeks I’ve experienced 4 different instructors.

1. “Let Me Ride That Donkey Donkey” My first spinning class not knowing what to expect, 30ish year old woman, with a great musical selection (which I’ve come to realize is half the battle in a successful spin class). All of a sudden she pulls the “hover” move right in the middle of 69 boys – Let Me Ride That Donkey Donkey. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CsHXl7Jc9HI ) The “hover” move requires you to stick your ass out while essentially freezing the rest of your body. Now picture 30 people of varying age ranges and varying degrees of spandex clothing doing this....I almost lost it.

2. “Ex-Marine Teenage Dreams” Yes, I do realize those two descriptions don’t typically go hand in hand, but in spinning class anything goes. Early 50s year old man, clean cut ex-marine appearance and attitude, usually starts off his class by asking the usuals if they have attended any marathons lately. The joy of Ex-Marine also comes from an eclectic musical assortment: in his class we “PUSH IT PEOPLE COME ON!” to Avril Lavigne-Sk8er Boy, Katy Perry-Teenage Dreams, Rihanna-Love the Way You Lie, and to top it all off, as a cool down song: Celine Dion-My Heart Will Go On. I had to exit the class without being properly warmed down to prevent peeing my pants.

3. “The Sneak Attack” Late 20’s, totally cute, likeable chick...until you realize her one goal in that hour is to make you feel pain. “How do you think the Kardashians got skinny people? Vomitting and SPINNING class...seriously, just kidding, but seriously.” “DON’T DISAPPOINT YOURSELF, you came here for a reason today!” “80% in the saddle...guess how much longer you have of this version of hell!? 4 MINUTES, PUSH IT!” Obviously, she is by far my favorite. Her classes are 100% packed with the highest percentage of the hard core demographic: they bring their own spinning shoes to class and snap in, wear spandex everything, and make about 1 million adjustments to their bikes before class. I’m not there YET, but give me a month.

4. Last but not least, we have “The Bro” late 30s, completely jacked, fake tan approaching Jersey Shore level, man jewelry, and a love for techno music. If you have ever seen Dodgeball with Ben Stiller (picture at top), you pretty much have this guy nailed down. He says things like “Alright bump that beat, bump that beat” And looooves to dramatically smack his rock hard abs while telling us to “engage your core and really feel that resistance here” The first class with The Bro was funny, the second class was Friday evening as I was sweating out whiskey from the previous night and I found him to be slightly less entertaining.

This week is a whole new week of spinning extravaganza, so be on the look out!

NY Weekend

Much to my grandfather’s disappointment I’m still very much in love with New York City. After a cool 7 hour drive into the city (only getting lost 8,000 times) I arrived at Erin’s apartment, UES (Upper East Side) style Thursday night. Friday morning Erin and I went to “work,” hers happened to be in an office off of 5th Avenue, and mine consisted of profiling various grocery stores and bakeries throughout the Manhattan area. Typically photographing a grocery store’s bakery display case while taking note of each product’s pricing, sizing, and packaging is frowned upon. However, a cover up story along the lines of “oh I’m sorry I didn’t know I couldn’t do that. I’m a Marketing student at NYU, working on a core project for school. We are developing our own bakery and need to do some market research.” A gentlemen waiting in line to buy cupcakes says, “That is so interesting! My good friend owns a bakery up in the Hamptons. I would really like to see your business plan when you are finished. Here is my business card with my personal email on the back.” Me: “Sure thing Barry, I’ll be in touch.” Smile, and exit while giggling inside.

After the store profiling I had a couple hours to kill before Erin got off work so I (naturally) got a manicure ($12), free facial (Facebook coupon), walked around the Madison Square Park street fair, and had some self-reflection/afternoon espresso time at a café while checking out the people walking by on the street. Friday night Erin, her bf (Jeff), and I went to an improv comedy show in the Flatiron District. You know when you are watching a TV show, something terribly awkward happens in the show, and as a result YOU feel terribly awkward. Yeah, that happened Friday night. Part of the comedian’s skit involved bringing people up to the stage and interrogating them while drawing their portrait. Kelly (cute sophomore at NYU) comes up to the stage.

Comedian: Kelly, who did you come here with tonight?
Kelly: One of my really good friends, Gary. (points to her Gary sitting in the front row)
Comedian: “Good Friend” hu? Do you think HE feels the same way? (comedian directs attention to Gary) Gary how do you feel about Kelly.
Gary: (awkwardness begins) Well, I do think she’s really cute.
Comedian & Crowd: oooooooooooooooooohhhhh! Cheering and laughter.
Comedian: Now Kelly, what do you think about that?
Reeally awkward pause. Kelly whispers something in the comedian’s ear.
Comedian: Kelly says, she does NOT feel the same way....Sorrrry Gary. Wow that’s awkard, good luck with the rest of the night.
Crowd erupts in awkard laughter. Erin, Jeff, and I were almost in tears.

Saturday afternoon we went to my heaven: the Museum of Modern Art. The new AbEx (Abstract Exhibition) exhibition was absolutely beautiful. Had burgers and beer at a rooftop by Penn Station while the sun was setting, then prepared our party pants. Raged. Some of us (who will remain anonymous) raged a little too hard. Woke up 50% hungover 50% drunk circa 8:00am, shoved my life into my carry on and took a cab to LGA. Slept the entire flight, barely made it home alive, made a Jacks pizza, and slept some more.

In conclusion, a PERFECT weekend!

Never Self Incriminate

"Unbelievable!" Is the first text I receive this morning from none other than Scott Marsh. This exclamation was of course in response to my text "my carry on was too big, I had to check it :(" As if the texting weren't enough I receive a call two minutes later, I answer "are you calling to make fun of me?" Scotter "Yes! Are you kidding me Haley?" I explain my logic: a) I'm going to be doing business woman things for two days then fabulous New York City things for two days so I'm obviously requiring a lot of artillery b) its fall so naturally my clothes are bigger and heavier than they are in the summer months and c) my layover's in Detroit so I'm thinking its going to be a small plane, a "puddle jumper" as Scotter says. Therefore, before I board, I go up to the Delta associates and say "my carry on is a liiiittle large, can you just throw it underneath the plane?" Delta woman smiles with a smug look on her face and says, "oh ya, much too big, aaaannnd we are going to have to charge you." Lesson of the day: never self incriminate (compliments of my father)

The best part about the story was that my plane turns out to be anything but a puddle jumper, with sufficient room for my over sized carry on. And that's my story of a $25 fine for self incrimination.

Positive Slope

I survived, hardly. And the hardly part comes from the consumption of alcohol more so than animal dandrif. Thursday Aaron (my boss's 25 year old nephew and fellow co worker) and I drove up to Chicago from Indy. Gel (the nickname I have given my Magellen GPS) provided us with a slight detour off of Cline Ave which deterred our arrival about 40 mins, but that's another story entirely.

We arrive at the convention center and I finally meet Tom (my Preppy Puppy boss so to speak) for the first time. We set up the show, which in my head took an hour max, but in actuality took a grand total of 3 1/2 hrs. Who knew my first job out of the Kelley School of Business would involve unwrapping and placing hundreds of dog cookies, cakes, and canolis onto decorative pink and green platters? Thursday night we feasted: booze, steak, and more booze. After dinner I was exhausted. We parted ways with "the tank" which is the nickname I attributed to Tom after witnessing his unbelievable consumption of the aforementioned feast. I was ready to call it quits for the night but I succumbed to Aaron's peer pressuring and was forced to drink somewhere in the ballpark of 4 more beers.
Friday was the first official day of the 44th Annual Pet Industry Christmas Trade Show! The morning was a great example of the affects of alcohol on the body, demonstrated by the graph above. Lesson: the length of time spent out of college (x axis) positively correllates to the severity of one's hangover (y axis). Aka Aaron did not make it down to breakfast, Haley had time to read the paper while enjoying an omlet, seasoned potatoe cubes, fruit, and a coffee. Jim and Sharra (a 5'9" blonde haired beauty who was formerly engaged to a Colt's player, and will now serve as Preppy Puppy's Midwest sales representative) arrived around 3pm. We hustled some dog treats til 6pm when the show closed then headed to the bar for round 2. We met up with the ladies at Barkin Bitches Boutique for pizza and beer at the hotel. Around 9:30 Devin picked me up, but was forced to undergo a semi interrogation second only to the questioning sessions performed by Jeff Guy before he was able to escort me off the premises. Very entertaining.

Saturday afternoon I was befriended by a sales representative from a dog food company called Evangers. Dana was a portly southern gentleman born for the sales world. "Hello sweetheart, how are you doing today? Great lookin product here" (picks up a barbeque flavored bulk bone treat and puts it in his mouth) "hmmm, not bad, what is this, barbeque?" Me (laughing): yes! Dana, is eating dog treats a normal part of your life? Dana: can't sell the water without swimmin in it.

I would like to express how fully my mind was blown by the array of, for lack of a better word, shit people buy and sell for dogs! Nail polish, earings, spa packages, sworski crystal collars, strollers, and the outfits...don't even get me started on the outfits. Dana taught me a valuable lesson over those three days: whatever you can buy your child, you can buy your dog.

Around 4 o clock I was contemplating suicide. If I heard one more person walk by our booth and say, "awww look at those canolis, don't they just look good enough to eat!!?" I was gonna punch somebody. Dana stops by and says: Cmon darlin we're gonna go take a shot of tequila." Me: what!?

Digpets a couple booths down consisted of a table, two bar stools, mini cups full of almonds or chaser depending on your perspective, and a bottle of tequila. I had no idea what they were selling or how it related to the pet industry in anyway, but I wasn't mad at it. That situation happened one or two more times that afternoon and before I knew it, it was time to pack up!

Sunday morning my body was ready to shut down. After 3 hours of selling, 3 hours of tearing down/packing up, and 3 hours of driving I arrived home to an empty room in an empty house, and it felt great!

I can now officially say: I surived my first trade show!

Couch Surfing

So I am officially 20% moved in to Indianapolis. I've had a slight delay with x FBI and our living arrangements, so keep your fingers crossed and if all goes well I should officially have a place to call home by Thursday. In the mean time I've become the queen of couch surfing. Tuesday, Wednesday: Rachel's (friend from college) house. Thursday, Friday, Saturday: 3 different couches in a quaint neighborhood called Broad Ripple Apartments aka walking distance from the bars :)

I haven't quite gotten into the swing of things with my job yet, as each day has been completely different. Wednesday I spent the morning with the ex newbie of the company, Aaron. We went to a Sam's Club, Walmart, and Marsh and showed me the products we sell to them. Thursday I spent the day with my boss, Jim, and a new potential client (sales rep named: Rick). As you may understand by now, I think southern accents are hilarious and it is extremely difficult to take them seriously, and Rick took the southern accent to a whole new level with phrases like: "that boy is as good as the day is long" or "now you don't want to go grabbin a tiger by the tail" or "now that fellow sure was a crook back in his day" Kept me entertained all day. After a day of Rick, Rachel and I decided to celebrate. The next day, I had a 9:30 am conference call for Preppy Puppy with my boss in Miami to discuss website renovation. It wasn't my most graceful morning but it does lead me to job perk #1: the conference call in my bed at Rachel's in my pajamas with blankee. Can't be mad at that.

But no good deed goes unpunished as they say. This coming Thursday, Friday, Saturday, AND Sunday I will be attending the 44th annual HH Backers Pet Industry Christmas Trade Show and Educational Conference in Chicago. Some people might respond: oh, a trade show, that could be fun. But people that know me, and know I'm allergic to any and all animals with fur, just laugh. At the show there will be a Grooming Competition as well as a Best Dressed Dog Competition. Basically my head is going to explode snot all over the beautifully groomed dogs. I go to Walgreens and explain my situation and ask, "so what do you recommend I do?" The pharmacist just looked at me and said, "Don't go." Me: "But I have to go." Him: "Then you should start taking Zyrtek. And if that doesn't work then take Benadryl, but that will make you sleepy." Great. I'm going to have snot running down my nose, jacked up on coffee to fight off the Benadryl drowsiness, while trying to pretend I'm an animal lover so my boss doesn't think I'm insane.

Should be an interesting weekend.

Ivy and Paco

When I told my friend AJ I was looking for places to live on Craigslist, he laughed. Out loud. At me. "Good luck with that!"

Phone call from Bruce (a potential roommate)-
Me: Hey Bruce my phone's about to die, could you just email me the details of the apartment and we can set up an appointment from there?
Bruce: Oooh well.. (He was an extremely slow talker, and extremely slow talkers are definitely on my "don't trust" list) well, I don't know about all that typing, you know what I mean? Its easier for me to speak 300 words a minute than it is for me to type 300 words a minute.
Aka see ya later Bruce.

Phone call from Jane (a potential roommate)-
Jane: Heyyyyy Haley how are you!?
Me: Good and yourself?
Jane: I. Am. Great! You know I'm just trying to get my cleaning business started. A little about me- I'm divorced, but whatever, I have 2 kids. My 15 year old lives with his dad, but whatever, he'll come back to me I'm not worried about it. And my 7 year old lives with me. You know, I'm a "cool mom" and my kid is like super well behaved so it's whatever you know!? My last roommate was a 22 year old girl too so you will be perfect!
Me: Yeah, I am not so much kid friendly, thanks though.

Thursday I travel down to Indy to begin my search. Appointments 1, 2, and 3 all sounded a little something like this. "Now we do listen to music sometimes, but never loud enough that you will hear it. I mean sometimes if I have just had a rough day I will pump it up (if no one is home of course) but as soon as you get home I would obviously turn it down. We basically keep to ourselves in our rooms for the most part." Essentially extremely quiet, non partiers, who refer to themselves as "snow angel" and live out in the middle of no where.

Appointment number 4 was with two 2005 IU grads, which in the literal sense would make them ~27 years old. But in actual life they might have just turned 21. There were beer cans everywhere, an entire room in the basement dedicated to beer pong, and a huge poster of some naked chick in the laundry room. These boys were my best bet. But I had two more appointments scheduled for Friday so there was still some hope.

Friday morning I meet Brae (gender ambiguous) which turns out to be a dude. Shorter than me and twice my width, he works at Fedex and Marco's pizza. Turns out he is looking for a place too! So we go to an apartment complex near Broad Ripple and look at places together. What a disaster.

Final appointment, number 6. Downtown in the ghetto. Turns out the guy has a cat that he FORGOT to mention in his posting. He says, "Oh yeah, I just updated that, sorry I forgot to tell you." Me: "Yeah the cat is a deal breaker." Him: "Well if the cat isn't a deal breaker usually the backyard is." I look in the backyard, and what to my wondering eyes should appear? But 6 freaking CHICKENS and 2 stupid GOATS! Me: "hahahahahha did you grow up on a farm??" Him: "Oh no, just south of Broad Ripple." Me: giving him an "ok weirdo, then why the hell do you have chickens and goats in your backyard!?" Him: "the chickens were easy, just build a coop and collect their eggs. The goats, now that, (saying as if he is extremely impressed with himself, as if owning goats is some kind of life long accomplishment) that, took a couple months of research to figure out to milk them. But yeah, I've had Ivy and Paco for about 2 1/2 years now." Me: "Well sir, it's been a real pleasure. I need to tear my hair out now."

Up In The Air

Back from NY and in the Midwest again. Labor Day weekend in Syracuse was a spectacle to say the least. It began with beer, was filled with Cyprus Gardens spraying a boat full of youngins because she wanted to "fuck with them a little bit", proceeded by throwing both myself and brother off the jetski, both of us laughing hysterically while trying to climb back on (thank god for that whole "key attached to the lifevest maneuver"), and finally ended with an epic event known as the "corn off". I'm tempted to go so far as to write "known as the 'corn off 2010'" because it was truly that epic of an event that it needs to and should be reenacted once a year. Congratulations Chris Larbes and Mr. Showalter for holding down the Midwesterner stereotype to the nth degree.

I begin my first steps of real life in a beautiful city known as Bentonville, Arkansas. Bentonville, as I'm sure you all know, is the home of both Sam's Club and Walmart corporate headquarters. A magical place chalk full of toothless wonders and Nascar enthusiasts. The Hilton Garden Inn: a place where my boss, Jim, is essentially considered an A list celebrity.

He is greeted by first name not only by Rose and Eric (the front desk people), but also Dawn (the bartender), and Penny (the cook). Jim has equipped the bar/lounge with a Nintendo Wii Rock Band for personal and public entertainment and financed an additional freezer and refrigerator in the kitchen to accommodate shipments of pastry samples he sends to the hotel, WHICH he pays Penny (the cook) $50 for every shipment she unloads. Wow.

This man is my new boss. And pastry sales is my new calling. Penny asks (in a southern accent), "how's your little worker girl here so skinny workin for you Jim!? I gained 25 pounds when you started comin here with all those pastries you give us.". Jim: "Today's her first day!" Penny: "Oh you wait girl, first month and you will be puttin on ten pounds easy." Me: "can't wait!" (Awkward laugh) And Penny may be right, because I've never tasted so many pies, cookies, cakes, streusel-y morsals, and cream filled shenanigans in my life!

In true business woman fashion, I had 18 minutes upon arrival at the North West Arkansas airport to get through security and to my gate. I handed the appropriate documents to the woman standing at the infamous airport podium and as she's matching up the name on my license to the one on my boarding pass, I have a mini panic attack as I look at the 15 men dressed in suits currently waiting in the security line before me. "Podium lady, (I didn't actually call her that) is there anything you can do? My flight leaves in approx 14 minutes!" Podium lady (in southern accent): "there's nothin I can do sweetheart but if you want to ask each and every one of these gentlemen to let you skip in front of them, be my guest." Very southern sounding man behind me says: "darlin, I know for a fact every single one of these men will let your pretty self ahead of them, if it were me, I'd be waitin at the back of the line, but for you little lady, no problem." I proceed to ask/announce my plane's impending departure, and sure enough, I am at my gate just in time to hear, "last call for passenger Haley Marsh, last call" "that's me I said!"

And back to Indiana I flew.

I forsee the next 6 months of my life similar to the character George Clooney plays in "Up in the Air" and keeping with this comparison I will be providing you with knowlegeable tidbits and interesting insights regarding the airport industry.

Insight #1: Who else besides flight attendants pre take off uses any form of the word "stow"? Ex: please stow all personal baggage and electronic devices in the seat back in front of you.